There was a cajun queen down in Louisianne
Gave birth to a boy with an over-sized gland
It was a thyroid condition that swelled his neck
And none of the girls would give any lip
To Big John

Big John
Big John
Big Johnson

There was a story about his daddy who he never knew
And each day that passed that thyroid grew
He was a freak of nature, but a lawyer by trade
And he couldn't understand why the girls were afraid
Of Big Johnson

So he took a teaching job on the California Coast
At an all girls law school where he hoped
He'd find a near-sighted girl for his far-feched dreams
Who could overlook the defect in his genes
Big Johnson

Big John
Big John
Big Johnson

And then one day on a routine trip
To law library the earth began slip
The lights went out and the shelves began to fold
All the girls screamed, but no one grabbed ahold of Big Johnson

Then a falling shelf caught on the bulge in his neck
And he let out a groan but he stood there erect
And as they scrambled beneath his legs to make their escape,
40 paralegals came to appreciate Big Johnson

Big John
Big John
Big Johnson

The rescue workers agreed that no one could survive
Under 20 tons of law books and still be alive
Then a girl grabbed the Captain and said "You don't understand,
At the bottom of those briefs lies a big, big gland...Big Johnson"

Big John
Big John
Big Johnson